Authentic relationships are the foundation of a fulfilling life. But how do we create them? In this blog post, we’ll show you what being authentic means and share five provide practical steps to building meaningful and authentic relationships.
Let’s dive in.
What Does It Mean to Be Authentic in a Relationship?
You Are Not Afraid to Be and Show Who You Are
Authentic people are secure with who they are. They know their strengths and use them in a loving, compassionate way. They know their weaknesses and catch themselves, without recrimination, when they fall into them.
They are what we sometimes refer to as being “real.” They make no pretence. They don’t build themselves up to look better and don’t tear themselves down to look worse.
You Are Approachable
Authentic people are easy to talk to. They will treat you with respect no matter what position they hold or what activity they are engaged in.
When you speak with an authentic person, you become the center of their attention. That’s because authentic people value relationships and will have no problem shifting their undivided attention away from their daily bustle to the conversation at hand.
You Are Interested in Others
Authentic people have learned that having an authentic relationship holds the key to joy and happiness.
Being authentic comes naturally to them; it doesn’t require work or effort. That’s an ability they have developed through ageless wisdom. Authentic people know relationships, from 10-minute encounters to life-long friendships, hold the core truth of our being: we are all one.
Therefore, they know that listening to others is a chance to discover another part of themselves, another part of God, a tiny piece of the unfolding matrix that is totally unique in and of itself. And this is of interest to them.
You Put Other People at Ease
Authentic people make us feel relaxed, respected, important, and interesting.
They make us feel that way because that is how they see us. And through their sight, we, in turn, see ourselves anew. We see the promise of our own lives and our own possibilities through their enlightened vision.
By seeing and treating us as smart and competent, they empower us to redefine ourselves as such (if we didn’t already believe so). Their belief becomes our belief and our reality changes.
This is one of the greatest gifts we can be given, and in turn, give others. But we can only give it if we’re authentic.
You Know Your Place in the World and Fulfill It With Joy and Attention
Authentic people can be in positions of power and influence and they can also occupy the most humble of occupations. It is not their occupation or position that distinguishes them from other people, but rather their ability to know and be themselves and to have deep meaningful relationships with others.
Authentic people know their purpose. This quality allows them to live with intent, joy, and compassion for others.
You Live Day-By-Day, Moment-By-Moment
Authentic people have the presence of Zen masters. They know well that life must be lived and experienced one situation at a time, so that’s what they do.
They know deeply that nothing is more important than this very moment. To them, life’s greatest reward is the journey, not the destination. They recognize the preciousness of the present moment and go through their days unrushed. This, in turn, frees them to be authentic in relationships.
When people are in their presence, they know it too, for they vibrate with their frequency.
How Do You Build Authentic Relationships?
Authenticity does not happen overnight. But training the right thoughts and habits over time can lead you to become more authentic, and thus experience more authentic relationships.
1. Start Valuing Relationships
Think about the best things in your life—your job, your spouse, your children. Aren’t they all the result of somewhat random encounters you’ve made over the years? In fact, today, you could meet someone that would send your life on a new trajectory, couldn’t you?
Contemplate the fact that even the most casual relationship, a moment with a stranger, has the potential to gift them and you in some way. This understanding opens you up to live your life day-by-day, moment-by-moment, open, honest and receptive to others.
The first step to building authentic relationships is to gain an appreciation for relationships as one of the greatest blessings of the human experience.
2. Shift your focus to others
Valuing a relationship also means valuing the person you’re having the relationship with. To build authentic relationships, you have to become curious about and interested in other people.
The greatest obstacle to becoming authentic is your own mind. We, humans, are too filled with our own arrogance and selfishness. Too attached to our agendas. Too busy with our own lives. Too fixated on our goals. Our concern is primarily with ourselves, but this can change when there is a vision and will.
Put others’ feelings and perspectives over your own needs and you will build genuine connections that are authentic, fulfilling, and resilient.
3. Make Space in Your Day
When every minute of your day is scheduled in advance and you’re rushing from one place or activity to the next, there’s no space left for unplanned, authentic moments to form.
A busy person isn’t open to having an impromptu interaction. If they get caught in one, instead of listening and being present, they’ll be thinking about the next thing on their agenda. Not only that, but they might resent the person for getting them off-track.
For example, say your partner decides to call you in the middle of your workday to talk about a bad experience they’ve just had. You listen to them vent, anxiously, while thinking about your next commitment. When you hang up the phone 20 minutes later, you beat yourself up for falling behind on your work and spend the rest of the day trying to catch up. “Why did I pick up?”, you think.
The solution is to prioritize relationships. Consider them just as important as the rest of your schedule. Let go of expectations and allow for the natural flow of events. Be open to surprises and unexpected outcomes. This creates space for true authenticity and mutual respect.
4. Communicate Openly and Honestly
Authenticity entails being vulnerable and sharing parts of yourself with others – letting your convictions, principles, and identity shine in your relationships. By expressing your thoughts, feelings and needs in an honest way, you will create trust and intimacy with others.
Authentic relationships are a two-way street. You can’t expect someone to be authentic with you if you can’t be vulnerable and open as well. If you want authentic meaningful relationships with others, look no further than yourself. Become authentic, become yourself, and the rest will follow.
5. Change Your Thoughts
If you want to build an authentic relationship, start with yourself—namely your beliefs and thoughts.
If your thoughts, beliefs, expectations and personal vibration of energy have attracted generous, kind, honest and caring people into your life, then that is what you will continue to attract no matter what new city or change of circumstances you find yourself in.
Likewise, if your thoughts, beliefs, expectations and personal energy pull people that are dishonest, greedy, mean and self-centred, then changing your environment without changing yourself is highly unlikely to produce anything different.
Here’s a fable that illustrates this law:
The Story of the Old Sage
“What are the people like in this city?”
“What were they like where you come from?” asked the old man.
“Horrible,” the traveller responded in disgust. “Mean, untrustworthy, detestable in all respects.”
“Ah…” said the old man thoughtfully, “you will probably find them the same in this city as well.”
A few hours later another traveller passed by and asked the old man the same question.
“What were they like where you come from?” he similarly asked.
“They were fine people. Honest, industrious, generous, caring; I was sorry to leave,” the traveller responded.
“You’ll find them the same here,” the old man replied.
Here are a few ways to change your thoughts:
- Practice gratitude
- Use affirmations daily (eg. “I cultivate a positive outlook, attracting meaningful and authentic relationships into my life.”)
- Visualize being in an authentic relationship
- Clear negative thoughts when they come up
I also teach a 6-week course called Mind Power that will show you to work with your mind to manifest better relationships. More information about the training is here.
Why Is Authenticity Important in a Relationship?
Authenticity breeds trust and allows two individuals to be themselves around each other. It incites open and honest communication and fortifies their connection – preparing it to withstand life’s obstacles. This kind of relationship breathes mutual respect, understanding, and love. It is exhilarating for both partners.
Inauthenticity, however, erodes trust and causes partners to grow apart. When one or both partners lack authenticity, forming a profound and meaningful bond is difficult. Such a relationship is frail and risks crumbling at the first sign of adversity.
In relationships, aim for authenticity in both words and actions. Be truthful about thoughts and feelings. And remember, the journey starts with you. If your life lacks authenticity, work on improving your own thoughts, beliefs, and behaviour and watch your relationships sprout.
